Mridula Mutharaju tackled the deep-rooted issues that caused her chronic anxiety and stress

I have been practising Nichiren Buddhism for the past eighteen years. In April 2017, I determined to extinguish fear from my life. Two years later, in January 2019, fear manifested itself in the form of a massive and sustained attack of clinical anxiety.

Anxiety is an old friend, having practically been a constant companion since my late teens. However, over the years, although I had developed internal tools and techniques to manage it, I had never really understood the workings of my mind. One cold night, in late January, checking a symptom on the internet led to a sudden, and completely unexpected panic attack which settled into a full-blown attack of anxiety. As I later understood from my wonderful therapist, while this might have been the last straw, the bale of hay had been slowly building up over years, decades even.

I initially hoped chanting would just make it disappear. But every time I thought I had moved on, the worrying thoughts would return. Everything I saw and experienced was through a thick haze of fear. I became ‘hyper-vigilant’, a state of the mind where I was worried that every twinge or judder in my body, could be symptomatic of a serious underlying issue.

Being the ‘high functioning’ person that I am, my home and work life continued to operate unaffected. I was loath to appear vulnerable in any way, so I overcompensated by putting my hand up for everything, but mentally I had no resources, and my life-condition was very low.

In July 2019, I went to India for two weeks to support my mother after a surgery. Worrying about her became the ripe red cherry on top of my frothy anxiety cake. One day, I had an episode of depersonalisation, in which I felt like I was standing outside myself watching my own actions. It is a benign but extremely frightening experience that is common with anxiety. I decided enough was enough.

Although I had already started therapy, I decided to fully commit and really use the opportunity to dig deep into my life and understand what my anxiety was trying to tell me. I was immensely fortunate to find a wonderful therapist, who asked me in our very first meeting if I had a spiritual practice or belief that she could incorporate into the sessions. This was an opportunity to discuss how Buddhist principles align with modern neuroscience. My therapist helped me slowly prise apart the tangled and confused knot of thoughts that had been steadily building in my mind. As 2020 arrived, things had started to look up.

And then, as the global Covid-19 pandemic worsened, in March 2020 the whole of the UK went into a lockdown. Both my husband and I work in the banking sector and the pressure intensified as we tried to balance home schooling with long working days.

With the boundaries between work and home disappearing, all the self-care that I had started flew out of the window. A few months into the pandemic, and one afternoon, I got the devastating news that my aunt had died. It was a sudden, and untimely death. As I processed my grief, I spiralled back into a deep state of anxiety and my physical symptoms resurfaced. However, this time, I had the tools to recognise this pain for what it was.

During an activity a fellow member shared that we practise the Buddhism of transformation not the Buddhism of perfection. This touched me deeply, because one of the things I had learned from therapy was that anxiety has roots in perfection.

Every time my tendency to beat myself up for something, I just reminded myself that this was a journey of transformation not perfection.

I made cherishing myself, and those around me, the centre of my prayer

I chanted every day and this, combined with Saturday morning SGI-UK meetings, were my therapy in lockdown.

Anxiety is a lonely experience but studying Buddhist guidance helped me looked beyond my microcosm of worry and strengthened my broader sense of purpose. Amazingly, this had a direct impact on reducing my fear and anxiety.

As a family, we had major breakthroughs in our personal life. We managed to move into a beautiful new home with a garden and find long-term tenants for our flat. At work, my husband and I achieved some truly remarkable things despite the challenges. Slowly, as the months passed, my state of mind began to change. The symptoms no longer triggered the intense fear I had initially experienced. This in turn reduced the intensity of the symptoms. I made giant leaps, for the first time, in understanding the roots of my anxiety.

My therapist gave me the framework, but my Buddhist practice and study alongside my process of self-reflection helped in the actual transformation. I finally understood that there is no ‘perfect’ me, which is free of fear or anxiety. My journey of transformation was to make sure that I didn’t suffer from it.