Letting go of fear!

Through his Buddhist practice, Alessandro Sturaci was able to let go of the fear he had carried with him since childhood.

I met the practice of Nichiren Buddhism in 2006 in Italy, through a friend of a friend. I was very depressed at that time, and I started chanting almost immediately. After five years of transforming my life, I decided to move to London to pursue my dream of becoming an artist.

I was born into a very dysfunctional family where I was physically and emotionally abused. For this reason I grew up feeling unworthy and that I couldn’t express myself. This changed when I decided to deepen my understanding of the mentor and disciple relationship. Through this I felt the strong desire to do more for kosen-rufu.

I work in the construction industry, which tends to be characterised by racism and homophobia. It is was a particularly harsh environment for me as I am a foreigner, gay and Buddhist.

I was working for a big firm and although the pay was good, the bullying and the discrimination went through the roof, reaching the point when someone tried to kill me. I continued doing activities and chanted a large amount, and also started having psychotherapy. I tried my best create value in my workplace. However, after eleven months, I couldn’t cope with how I was being treated anymore and I left the job.

I thought this was the most respectful thing I could do for myself. I decided to start my own business in the restoration and conservation of listed buildings. Despite all my efforts, my business failed to take off and I started struggling financially. My hope started fading away. My mentor, President Ikeda encourages us to win in our work place. He says: ‘…to gain trust in society, it is first important to succeed on your job. That is the foundation for everything. To do so, you will have naturally work twice as hard as those around you.’¹

For about two years, I made consistent efforts towards my work. One day, I even walked all over Muswell Hill putting leaflets in to letterboxes to promote my business.

As I was chanting, suddenly everything became clear. It felt like my life was trapped in a cage. I realised that my business would never become successful if it was based on fear. I also saw that all the actions I was taking were aimed at finding an escape from my situation rather than winning over my fear.

I was still traumatised by my last work experience, in the same way as I had been traumatised by my family. Through my chanting I clearly saw the connection between these two aspects of my life and I understood that winning in my job was necessary in order to transform my deepest and most negative karma.

I chanted to find a job and subsequently applied for the perfect position. I was offered the job and the largest salary I’ve ever had. Despite this, I was very scared of what I was going to have to face.

The first day on the job I worked alongside a man called Jonesy. During our initial conversation, he asked if I had a girlfriend and then he told me that he liked my haircut, but that he won’t go to the barbers because he doesn’t like to be touched and also the barber might be gay. Perfect, I thought.

I had to work with him every day and I was very tense all the time, as if I were locked up with a lion. It soon became clear that Jonesy and the other builders appreciated my skills. This was a victory, but I felt like I had more to do. I vowed to never retreat again in my life and to expand my life-state so much that this would be reflected in my environment. I wanted to open a new path in the construction industry.

The next day at work, as usual, I didn’t get involved with the banter, and I was doing a very artistic job. Suddenly Jonesy asked me: ‘Are you gay?’

Of course, I didn’t deny it and, as a result, I had a very tense day, waiting to be treated as I had in the past, but nothing happened. As it was a Friday, I had the weekend to chant to fight my negativity and trust my Buddhahood. When Monday came, I was terrified of going to work.

As soon as I arrived, my colleagues asked me if I was single and when I said that I was, they decided that they needed to find a man for me. Later, Jonesy invited me round to meet his girlfriend and then we went to see a music gig together and that night he stayed at mine.

I left shortly after this as my own business took off. I received one response from the 250 leaflets I posted through people’s letterboxes, but from that job, my business began to develop nicely.

I stayed in touch with Jonesy and every time we meet, we hug each other because we feel like brothers. In February 2020, I decided to have a dialogue with my parents, which went very well. For the first time I was been able to recognise their deep suffering. What I learned from my experiences is that no matter how scary it might seem, I will never hesitate to manifest my Buddhahood and open my heart to another human being. ●

References